Duty started early tonight, I guess. Maybe it was the 2+ hour nap I took this afternoon, the fact that I'm nauseated for no apparent reason, or maybe it's because I can't get THIS
out of my head, but I can't sleep.
I can't stop thinking that I'm going to end up with a c-section, so I started doing some research. Do you realize all the shit you can't do after the surgery-- and how long it takes before you're back to normal??? A few surprising things I've found:
You can't drive for 3-6 weeks. THREE TO SIX WEEKS without driving? That's never gonna happen.
During abdominal surgery, gas can get trapped inside you and you're miserable until it passes, which doesn't happen quickly or without medical assistance. Oh, and if this happens to you, you can't eat regular food again until it's out. Two things I don't like: things being stuck in my ass, and not being able to eat what I want.
You have to stay in the hospital for 3 days afterwards. When I go visit my mother in my hometown I don't stay for 3 days! Not only do I not want to be anywhere other than my bed three nights in a row, but I don't want to be separated from my new baby for three days! Yes, I know they will bring him in there to me, but damn. I want to get home and get on our routine. And I don't want to be tending to stitches/staples in my gut while I do it.
You can't stand upright for a while. If you try, you can hurt your muscles worse and take longer to recover. Like opposable thumbs, standing upright is a pretty basic part of being human. Being stripped of this ability just seems...I don't know...dehumanizing?
You will need assistance in the shower, especially for the first few days. What am I? A hundred and seven years old? WTF?? I don't want anyone helping me shower-- not even my husband. And I don't want to wait six weeks before I can sit in a tub of water again. That's part of my nightly ritual. I don't like it when my rituals are interfered with, especially ones that relate to hygiene!
Catheter until further notice. Enough said.
I'm sorry, but being cut into layer by layer like a hog, having a baby yanked out ass first, being stapled shut, then being hunched over, unable to even sit up straight or go take a piss in the toilet for three days minimum
while my husband and mother and whatever relatives come out of the woodwork are passing the baby around like a sack of potatoes sounds like flat out torture to me. Going home and being unable to do for myself for 3 to 6 weeks, maybe longer, sounds like even worse torture.
I get angry when I consider that I may not be able to avoid this. I can't stomach the idea of not being able to do what I need to do with the baby as soon as he's born. I hate the thought of not being able to hold him right away, or not being able to get up and take care of him in the middle of the night because I've been sliced open and can't get out of bed quickly enough to beat my mother to his bedside. Worse than that? I hate...no, I abhor
the thought of other people doing these motherly duties in my place. The thought makes me sick. I want the family members to come see the baby, oooh and ahhh and then take their fat, helpful asses back home and let me start doing my job. Send food and cards, but don't try to be my kid's mom. It will provoke a jealousy the likes of which they are not prepared to confront, and I don't need to be able to sit upright in order to fire a pistol, or at least some angry words, although I don't suppose it'd be real smart to shoot and/or run off the help if you can't stand upright, would it? See my predicament?
When I was a kid, I remember adults warning us to stay away from the animals when they'd just had babies. It was so tempting to approach a horse and her new colt, or a cow with a wobbly legged calf. I was once absolutely forbidden to go near a neighbor's garage because their less than friendly dog had just unloaded a litter of pups in there. (Of course I forgot, went too close to the garage, and got my ass bit.) Anyway, the adults told us that female animals were sometimes protective of their new babies, so we should keep a distance for a while. I always thought those new mothers were cold hearted bitches for keeping us away from those cute babies. Now I totally get it.
I'm not afraid anyone's gonna hurt my kid. I'm just afraid that if I have to have surgery to get him out, I won't be able to do all the things I've envisioned myself doing. And if there's one thing that pregnancy has taught me, it's that I'm a wimp. I used to think I was somewhat tough, but now I know better. Don't tell anyone, but I'm a walking vagina. Throughout the last nine months, I have noticed and mentally documented every pain, every ache. I can tell you exactly what I was feeling week by week from Week 6 to Present. Major abdominal surgery is not for me.
Tomorrow, I start trying to get this boy out. If you're looking for me, I'm at the track, walking.