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Saturday, December 06, 2008 

Stupid for So Many Reasons

First, you must watch the video. Don't worry, it's only 2 minutes long, and so worth it.


I don't know about you, but when I picture this kid "speaking in tongues," one thing comes to my mind-- the day in 9th grade when my friend Tony faked a seizure in study hall. It was great, I mean he really sold it. Girls were crying, the coach jumped up and ran over to him-- it was so worth the punishment that followed. One would think that faking a demonic possession would be handled much in the same way as Tony's faked seizure-- with a few swings of the football coach's paddle. Instead, it made the nightly freakin' news. Guess there's not much happening in Pelahatchie.

I have no idea where Pelahatchie is, and I'm pretty familiar with our fine state, so it's got to be tiny. After all, a town of any size would have more important things to report, not to mention a lower concentration of fucktards.

Okay, so a girl goes to school and starts talking in a monster voice, telling her classmates when and how they would die, etc. A bunch of the kids freak out and start taking Bibles to school to ward off the demons. How stupid do you have to be to believe that this girl was really and truly possessed by a demon? Look at her. If a spirit-- be it evil or good-- was going to use a human to communicate with us, would it choose Lashundra Clanton of Pelahatchie, Mississippi? Doubt it. Yet her stupid hillbilly classmates were so convinced that they brought Bibles to school. That's the best part of this-- they all showed up with their Bibles and held a devotional! What're they gonna do-- a freakin' exorcism? You know they're a bunch of Baptists, so that doesn't even make sense.

I don't know what reaction the teachers and school officials had when this happened at school, but they apparently didn't think much of it. If it happened in my class, I know what I would've done-- I would've thrown her out. Immediately. And I promise you, it wouldn't have happened 3 days in a row. I'd love to have more details. Was she in class? Study hall? Gym? Lunch? Was she in the same class each of the three days? That'd be good to know. Some class environments might be more conducive to communicating with the spirit world than others, after all. For example, if the Music Theory teacher has a habit of leaving the class alone while he stands in the hallway finding reasons to not do his job, you might have more time to get possessed by a demon than you would in, say, Math, where the teacher is not only present, but also in control of his or her classroom. I'm just saying. Maybe we should find out which teacher is opening the gateways to hell.

Here's the part that pisses me off. Both of the parents in the video-- the girl's mother and the father of the boy who took his Bible to school-- both criticize the school officials for how they handled the situation. The girl's mom seemed truly shocked that, "They said they didn't know what to do, they didn't know how to handle the problem! I mean, you know, they really didn't come up with a solution!"

What slackers! They need to organize a committee to prepare just in case this happens again! Every school should have a Demonic Possession Response Team on standby at all times! What were they thinking??

The other parent in the video-- the father of one of the kids who took his Bible to school-- was upset that the school didn't notify parents of this incident, and that, "Instead, he had to learn about it from the kids."

Just think about the mentality of someone who's pissed that the school didn't notify them of this. What the hell does he imagine the people who run the school are doing all day long?? He says it disrupted class and they should've been notified. Maybe I've been slacking on my job all this time. I had no idea that I was supposed to notify parents every time class is disrupted. Shit. I'm gonna need to switch to the unlimited plan!

Hi, Mr. Jones. This is Mrs. McTimslastname from Your Kid's High School, and I'm just calling to notify you that one of our children faked a demonic possession at lunch today. Yeah, a lot of the students were really traumatized, and we've got counselors available for them. We just didn't want you to have to hear this news from your son or daughter. Best it comes from us. And while I've got you on the phone, I also need to inform you that Tony faked a seizure in study hall, Johnny farted in English, Bobby threw a spit wad during the assembly, some boys smoked a joint in the bathroom between 4th and 5th periods, and someone stuck a "Kick Me" sign on the Home Ec teacher's back. We're still investigating that one.

I can't believe this hasn't been made fun of on a cable news show yet. You know, kinda like the time the fine people of Mobile, Alabama believed that a leprechaun was hanging out in a tree somewhere in the 'hood. I think that made Talk Soup, didn't it?


Best line in that video: "WHERE DA GOLD AT!?" It's no "Chitlin's is for Thanksgiving," but still good.

Back to the demonic possession story. Stupid for so many reasons. Let's count 'em, shall we?
1. The kids believed it.
2. They took Bibles to school to ward off the demon.
3. The student claimed God was speaking through her, and her mother says God is using her to speak to the kids at her school.
4. News reporters actually showed up, and this was aired on the nightly news.
5. The only point of controversy for the people of Pelahatchie was NOT which psych ward to send Lashundra Clanton too, or how long she should be suspended for disrupting class, no. The only thing people can think of to talk about? Whether it was God or the debble speaking.

Much like Hillbilly Mom said about Missouri's wife killing satellite installer guy, I wish this had happened somewhere else.

WooHoo! There's a state crazier than Missouri!

I'm going to sit down on my big fat butt and thank the Gummi Mary that this happened in Mississippi. Our hillbillies are smarter than yours! Nya nya.

I have a feeling I will be eating those words within the next week or two.

Good to know that there's a place that wants to give Springfield a run for its money. There just ain't NO crazy like small-town crazy.

HM, Oh yeah, you'll be eating them. Eventually. It occured to me after reading your comment that I'm screwed either way, what with being a Mississippian whose family moved here from Missouri. I guess that makes me double hillbilly.

SH, I hear ya. Small town crazy don't stop.

Word verification: hipless.


Fundamentalist Christians do the darndest things, don't they? I don't want to ridicule all of the religious people (there are very smart, rational individuals who worship and believe in God). However, we must point out the crazier, unhealthy examples, and expose them for what they are.

Also, I agree that the school probably handled it as best as they could. It's not their fault that one of their students has a psychological problem.

Finally, as a lifelong Missourian, it's good to always get a shout out about how podunk our state is.

Surely that's not THE Mr. S...

Is there another one that I should be aware of? It's just a nickname I am using.

That's not MY Mr. S. He doesn't even know I call him Mr. S. Though I'm sure this is a perfectly good Mr. S, and from MISSOURI, too.

I thank the Gummi Mary again today. Thank her that OUR governor was not arrested on federal charges.


HM, Thanks for clearing that up. I was sure that was your Mr. S.

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