Thoughts on the Movie “Juno”: A Pregnant Girl’s Review
Did you see the movie "Juno"? I did, and it was really cute, but I feel like it minimized the pain and suffering of pregnancy and focused too much on how cool and with-it the teenage protagonist was, and how miniscule the effect of the pregnancy was on her life once it was over. She was very flippant about her whole dilemma, as were her parents. The only time she really complained about the discomforts of pregnancy was in one scene where she ends a quick rant about her changing body by screaming, “I’m a planet!” Then she goes on to squirt the baby out and walk away from it seemingly unscarred.
That's not good for teenage girls to be watching.
Let's show 'em the truth. I don’t mean the truth of pregnancy as Hollywood has shown it in the past, where the girl pukes a few times but then gets a cute pooch and has the baby thirty minutes later in the movie, but the real truth. Let's make a movie about a girl who walks through the house with her hands over her boobs because they're so sore and swollen she's afraid of bumping them into things as she moves through a room.
Let’s show her screwed up sex drive—it either disappears completely or goes out of control so that she’s having orgasms in her sleep, which is only a problem if your boyfriend or husband is NOT a light sleeper who likes to wait until you’re having a vulnerable moment to make fun of the weird things you did in your sleep last night.
Make her sneeze and piss herself just enough that she needs to change, but can’t, because she’s at work and it’s only 8:30 a.m. And don’t make it funny. This ain’t no comedy.
Show that popped out belly button. That shit is scary looking, I don’t care how cute you are.
Or how about this one, one of my favorites-- diarrhea, then constipation. For days. Show her on the toilet with tears streaming down her face. Let these hump-happy teenagers hear her praying to God to please, please help her shit.
She puts the remote control into the microwave and turns it on. How’s that for baby brain?? Those cute clothes? History, sister. She has no waist now. Hell, she can’t see her feet—feet which, by the way, are a size bigger when they’re not swollen.
All this is only the beginning—just wait until it comes out. I can only speculate about this part right now, but I think an honest movie would have to involve a perineal tear. A violent one requiring a large number of stitches. Give it sound effects, and let her feel it. Then let’s watch it heal. Make it itch. I imagine few things can suck worse than trying not to tear itchy stitches out of your taint while walking around the house trying to calm a squealing newborn—except perhaps trying not to tear itchy stitches out of your taint while walking around the house trying to calm a squealing newborn who is sucking on your nipple, which has scabbed over from the BLISTERS.
Perhaps people’s horror stories are starting to get to me. But still, if I was going to make a movie about a teenage pregnancy, it would involve ALL of the above, and it’d be shelved under horror, and there wouldn’t be any dramatic increases in pregnancy rates at local high schools within 5 years of its release, you can bet on that.
Just doing my part to guide America's youth.
That's not good for teenage girls to be watching.
Let's show 'em the truth. I don’t mean the truth of pregnancy as Hollywood has shown it in the past, where the girl pukes a few times but then gets a cute pooch and has the baby thirty minutes later in the movie, but the real truth. Let's make a movie about a girl who walks through the house with her hands over her boobs because they're so sore and swollen she's afraid of bumping them into things as she moves through a room.
Let’s show her screwed up sex drive—it either disappears completely or goes out of control so that she’s having orgasms in her sleep, which is only a problem if your boyfriend or husband is NOT a light sleeper who likes to wait until you’re having a vulnerable moment to make fun of the weird things you did in your sleep last night.
Make her sneeze and piss herself just enough that she needs to change, but can’t, because she’s at work and it’s only 8:30 a.m. And don’t make it funny. This ain’t no comedy.
Show that popped out belly button. That shit is scary looking, I don’t care how cute you are.
Or how about this one, one of my favorites-- diarrhea, then constipation. For days. Show her on the toilet with tears streaming down her face. Let these hump-happy teenagers hear her praying to God to please, please help her shit.
She puts the remote control into the microwave and turns it on. How’s that for baby brain?? Those cute clothes? History, sister. She has no waist now. Hell, she can’t see her feet—feet which, by the way, are a size bigger when they’re not swollen.
All this is only the beginning—just wait until it comes out. I can only speculate about this part right now, but I think an honest movie would have to involve a perineal tear. A violent one requiring a large number of stitches. Give it sound effects, and let her feel it. Then let’s watch it heal. Make it itch. I imagine few things can suck worse than trying not to tear itchy stitches out of your taint while walking around the house trying to calm a squealing newborn—except perhaps trying not to tear itchy stitches out of your taint while walking around the house trying to calm a squealing newborn who is sucking on your nipple, which has scabbed over from the BLISTERS.
Perhaps people’s horror stories are starting to get to me. But still, if I was going to make a movie about a teenage pregnancy, it would involve ALL of the above, and it’d be shelved under horror, and there wouldn’t be any dramatic increases in pregnancy rates at local high schools within 5 years of its release, you can bet on that.
Just doing my part to guide America's youth.
If I wasn't already fixed, I would be on my way to the doctor's office. I agree with you totally. Pregnancy is not fun during or after. And that baby that they so hope will love them unconditionally turns on them the second they hear the word "NO". Go ahead start practicing now and no, it doesn't get any easier. Holley (mother of four)
Posted by
Anonymous |
7:18 PM
Yea. The itchy hee-haw is awful. When the stitches are starting to kind of shrink and dry out, you get to a comfort level because it doesn't hurt very bad at all. Plus if you're post partum me you have made good use of the pain pills and taken them by the CLOCK. Then you go to plop down in a hard back chair. Yea. Then it feels like someone is ripping your hoo-ha. UGH! Really though. This movie should include at least one epesiotomy and a bevy of stretch marks. Tennagers hate stretch marks.
Posted by
My Spacious Cranium |
9:44 PM
Throw in some gratuitous shots of the placenta, and you've got yourself a Golden Globe winner of an idea, Miz Ann.
Posted by
Stewed Hamm |
12:07 AM
We have some kind of class at school like 'Marriage and the Family'. The kids can't even stand to take care of a mechanical baby for two days. So this year, they switched to the fake belly for one day. They hated it. But they think a real baby would be cool.
Exactly WHEN will you be popping your little bun out of the oven?
Posted by
Hillbilly Mom |
11:10 AM
Holley, I'll have no problem with "no." I heard it a lot as a kid. I think spoiled people spoil their kids. I ain't a spoiled people.
MSC-- Stretch marks indeed. Fortunately for me I had them before I started, so whatever.
SH-- How could I forget the bloody blob!!!???
HM-- I'm due Oct 31. I'm hoping it won't be on that day. I like the sound of November 1 or 2nd.
My first grade teacher's bday was Nov 1. I don't know why I've remembered that all these years.
Posted by
Mommy Needs a Xanax |
5:54 PM
During my first pregnancy, my older cousin went on and on about how the first time you have to poo after having the baby hurts as much as the birth. She is an evil, evil witch.
Posted by
Marshamarshamarsha |
7:22 PM
If he's born on Halloween at least his birthday parties will RAWK! And you're right- my new stretch marks only made me appreciate how much the old ones had faded! lol. No really, it's all great, parenthood outweighs all of that temporary stuff(specifically the first year's tax deduction- hoorah!)- if not, why would there be so many welfare babies!
Posted by
My Spacious Cranium |
7:30 PM