DeadpanAnn (old blogger version)

I'm glad I worked my butt off yesterday, because I'm actually getting to relax a little today. Still, I feel as though there is something I'm forgetting to do. Lesson plans are always the hardest thing about weekends, and they're mostly done-- only because I had a full afternoon to work on them during the week. I finished them for my two hour classes, so I just have to adjust them a tad for the one hour classes.

I've decided to get back on my old diet-- the one that helped me lose so much weight. The one I abandoned when I came to Hattiesburg and started living in the dorm and eating dorm food. The one that might have prevented me from gaining back every single pound.

I have this deal called polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes lots and lots of problems with various systems in the body. Various hormonal balances are thrown off, which affects every damn thing. For example, you make too much testosterone, which means your ovaries can't ovulate the right way, which means you get cysts, which messes up your periods and keeps you from getting pregnant. Some unfortunate women have problems with facial hair and acne. I've been lucky enough to avoid those symptoms-- thank God. The last thing I need is a beard. It also makes you moody, tired, and you generally feel like crap a lot. Let's not forget about the weight gain that comes along with it. Now, let me say that I do take full responsibility for being a fat ass. Medical condition or not, my ass would not be fat if I were doing what I'm supposed to be doing. So I'm not one of those people who thinks she's a victim. The weight issue is a result of the effect the condition has on the insulin levels in the blood. The insulin doesn't get used properly, or something, and your cells become resistant to it. This means that sugar doesn't get processed properly, which means it gets stored as saturated fat before your body has the option to burn it. With your sugar being out of whack, you're at a dramatically increased risk for developing diabetes. You're also hungry a lot, because your sugar is going up and down and up and down.

The solution? Exercise and eat a no sugar, low wheat diet. I was diagnosed in 2000, and started doing the diet religously as well as taking a medication to help my body treat insulin how it's supposed to. I lost 80+ pounds, and felt like a rock star. A rock star, I tell you.

So lately I've been thinking, Why am I not doing this? I mean, I know why I stopped doing it. I didn't plan to get off my diet; it just happened. It was a natural consequence of college life. I was flat broke, and I had few meal options. The fact that I started drinking lots of beer didn't help either, I'm sure. In fact, that was probably my main source of things my body didn't know what to do with.

You know I also have a semicolon, which can be a concern at times. If I already have these health problems at age 28, what is life going to be like at 40? 50? I don't want to be one of those fat asses who has to ride around Wal Mart in a scooter. Also, I might not be able to get pregnant if I don't get this under control. I've got to get it together and start treating myself right.

So I started thinking that I need to read up and refresh my memory on what it was I was doing right before, and start doing it again. Even if it's hard. So last night I read a few articles and refreshed my memory on what I'm supposed to eat, and today I went to the grocery store and stocked up on some goodies. This will be impossible to stick to if there's not food ready when I get home from work, and if there's not something available for me to take for lunch every day. That is what makes eating junk food so tempting-- it's instant, and when you're hungry, you don't really care. If there's something else already available, I won't want that. To make sure there's always food available, I'm cooking a ton of stuff today. Hopefully I can get enough food cooked to last us the week, or at least most of the week. And hopefully I can do this on a weekly basis. If I make a sincere effort, I think I will find a way to make it work. After all, it beats elastic waist band pants.

Good things about not being a fat ass--

1. You're hot, and guys look at you, which is a pretty fundamental part of being a woman that you miss out on when you're fat. I may be married, but I'd still like to be attractive to men in general, and especially to MY man.

2. Clothes. You can buy them anywhere, and they're cheaper. Lane Bryant sucks. Their stuff is cheaply made, WAY overpriced, and just walking into the door of a Lane Bryant is humiliating. You can also wear more kinds of stuff, and look better in it.

3. Shoes. With all my new skinny girl clothes, I'll be able to wear more of my shoes. Can't tell you how many pairs I have that I can't wear because I have nothing to wear with them.

4. Respect. When I lost weight, I noticed that people talked to me differently. They took me more seriously. People are scared of fat people. It must be similar to how people in wheelchairs feel-- people are polite to you, but they don't really wanna be friends. Skinny little bastards.

5. Hair. I can get my hair done differently instead of having to stick to the one thing that doesn't accentuate my fatness.

6. Sex. More often, in more places, in more ways. Don't look away! You know what I'm talkin' about.

7. Not dying young. Yeah, that'd be nice. It doesn't seem like a big deal now, but I'm sure I'll appreciate it when I'm 80.

8. Doing stuff. I like to swim, for your information, but I don't like wearing a bathing suit so I don't do it. I would also like to go canoeing and be more active in general, but I don't feel like it right now-- and when I do feel like it, I remember I'm fat and then I don't feel like it anymore.

9. Being able to have kids, and be healthy for them. I want a little redheaded boy, dammit, and I don't want to have to take fertility drugs to get pregnant. I said A little redheaded boy, not a DOZEN little redheaded boys.

Thank you for reading my uncomfortably personal blog post. That is all.