DeadpanAnn (old blogger version)

My sister, brother-in-law, and the kids got here around 2:00 today. I was shocked, because they normally turn a 4 hour trip into at least 6 hours, but today they made it in less than 5. This was the first time they'd even seen where I live, so we all hung out for about an hour before they hit the road again. They're in Perdido Key now, and the rest of us will meet up with them Monday.

So TH is at work and I've had the kids since about 3:00. I've learned a lot.

1. A cute five year old can get you out of a ticket.
2. Getting pulled over provides a wonderful opportunity to discuss what the cops might have done if we hadn't had our seatbelt buckling ceremony in the driveway before we left.
3. They should require proof of age to sell Mountain Dew Code Red. That shit is like crack to an eight year old. Crystal Light is your friend. Your calm, mellow, sugar-free friend.
4. No matter how you try to maintain order, the following things are guaranteed to happen: The red drink will get spilled on the coffee table and the carpet; The kitchen floor will be sticky for reasons unknown; The cats will go into hiding and develop an intense phobia of the sound of children's voices; Someone will set a wet cup on the pool table; There will be a half-eaten bologna sandwich thrown into the refrigerator without even being wrapped up; Realizing after you arrive at McDonald's that someone made it out of the house barefoot will remind you where you came from; At some point, chocolate milk will fly through the air.

I'm not very bad at this kid handling thing. I only promised my sister that I would keep them alive-- beyond that, there were no guarantees. I've managed to keep them entertained, fed, and happy. We even got through bath time, tooth-brushing time, medicine time, story time, and bedtime without much hassle. I did have to threaten to crack their skulls if they called me in there to referee one more showdown over who was hogging the covers. The red pillow in the center of the bed is a wall. If one of you crosses the wall, both of you get spanked, starting with the person who calls me in here. Any questions?

I only threatened spanking after the fourth trip in there, so don't call any hotlines on me. Children under 10 understand the concept of spank a little better than they understand the concept of peace treaty, and it was starting to look like the Gaza Strip in there.